L is for the way you Look at me...

   Today I want to write about something that has been on my mind an awful lot lately.  I want to write about that one thing that effects every person on earth.  The only thing that can make you feel completely whole and completely lost at the same time.  The thing that makes you do, say, and feel things that you never imagined. That my friends, is love.  There are many types of love, but I want to focus on just one.  The mushy gushy, I wanna hold your hand, kind of love.
   I often think of how difficult it is to find another person who is equally infatuated with you as you are with them.  What are the chances of finding someone who is attracted to you and your quirks, interests, personality, etc. and for you to feel the same way about them?  Finding someone that fits you perfectly is challenging and I believe if you do find that heart pounding love, you've found something rare and beautiful.  
   I think of love and what it really means, and from my limited experience, I came up with some ideas. When you love someone, you feel for them. When they get excited over something, you're equally as happy just because of the smile on their face.  You share emotions.  Sadness, happiness, sorrow, anger, and regret.  When you love someone, you try to take some of the load off their shoulders.  If that means taking on some of their struggles, you'll do so.  Love means selflessness and forgiveness.  It means leaving them a note and their favorite treat just so they know you're thinking of them.  It's giving that "I understand" or "Are you okay?" look when you two are in a crowd of people.  It means letting go of the past, taking each other by the hand, and moving forward. 
   So what happens if you find "the one" and they don't actually end up being "the one"?  You swore all the late night phone calls and kisses that took your breath away were proof enough that you would be "together forever".  It's funny though, because saying or thinking that suddenly seems so naive.  You have to let go and start all over again.  You have move forward, but this time no one is holding your hand.  You have to pick up the pieces and put them back together, only hoping that one day you can see the world the way you used to see it.  Your younger heart that had never been broken, had a hope and passion that is hard to relocate after aching for so long. 
   Holding onto the past is easy, because it means it's not really over.  The relationship, the memories, and everything that you had before.  And though it's not easy, I believe letting go is best thing to do.  If something ended, it probably means you outgrew it.  Just like Barbies and toy trucks, high school, and all nighters; things change because you change.  Holding onto any of those wouldn't be progress. You can't keep looking back, hoping one day you can have it all again.  I think if you truly let go, forgive and forget, and stay strong you can have it all again.  It will just be with someone else in a different way, but this time you may never have to say goodbye.   
   Life is full of unexpected experiences and somewhere along the way there will be heart break.  This doesn't mean you will always have to feel that empty feeling in the pit of your stomach.  Just because your heart has been damaged, doesn't mean that someday you won't feel that breath taking love aging.  
   It will never be perfect and it will never be easy, but when you finally find that relationship worth fighting for, all the heart break will make sense.  You'll be the person they've been looking for their whole life because of it.  Say I love you as often as possible and always remember the way they made you hope and trust again.  The way they brought light back into your somewhat dim life.  Never forget your first love, your first heart break, the first time you felt like it would all be okay, and the person who helped get you there.  
So here's to love.  The can't eat, can't sleep, can't focus, dance around my room, you hang up first and I'll call you in the morning, dream of you, Love.

-Madi 

It's been a very long time. Oh the whirlwind.

 

It has been so very long since I've even attempted to write in my blog, but I want to try and be better at it. 

So, I am at the U of U right now and it's great! I love Salt Lake and my roommates and my life!  Sometimes I wake up and am like, "oh yeah...I live here...this is my life." haha it's been a huge adventure and I'm learning a lot.  I have met some great people, but most of all, really gotten to know my roommates, Amanda and Ashtin.  They are so great and I learn from them everyday.  They have both been through a lot but they are still so positive and strong in the gospel.  We go to the singles ward, and we don't really love it. We're trying to though... haha.
Classes are going well, it's definitely different from high school.  I like it a lot and think I know what I want to be when I grow up! It's called a child life specialist and they help children get through stuff like heart surgery or car accidents.  They just go around the hospital and talk them through things.  So I'll probably major in physiology or anthropology, then do the mandatory residency.  I'm really excited about it :)
ANYWAY.  I will write more soon :) GO UTES! ;)

Rachel Star Kelly :)

I MISS HER...A LOT!

We've been best friends for a loooonnng time and I hate being away from her!

She's the best and I love her soooo much ;)

(It's like we're a couple...haha)

 She is literally a ray of sunshine and I wish she were here!

But seriously, I'm blessed to know someone so great.

Best Friends Forever :)

Didgeridoo's and Pet Goats

Yesterday we went to the farmers market in Pioneer Park. They have it every Saturday.  I had never been to a market like that before! They sold clothes, art, and produce! We bought some of the greatest peaches I've ever tasted and some other fruits&vegetables.  There were different musicians at every corner of the park playing violins, guitars, banjo's, and the didgeridoo.  If you're wondering what a didgeridoo is, I have no idea how to explain it.  It's a hippie instrument ;) It was fun being surrounded by music and creative ideas.  It was such a fun atmosphere and I am can't wait to go again!

The best part of the day is when we saw this lady with a pet goat.

  It was pretty great :) 

"I've got a lot that's on my mind"

I don't know why I feel so down today. 

I mean, it's been a pretty fantastic week so far! Spending two days with my big sister, Erin. Yesterday was full of reasons to jump for joy.  How great is my life??? PRETTY GREAT.  I even went to my new apartment today.  Which was honestly AMAZING.  I have never been so excited to live my life. 

And for some reason I feel empty. 

 I think It's my lack of spiritual strength.  I forget how important the light of Christ is and I always want to have that with me.  I want to shine so bright that others can barrow my light whenever they've lost theirs.  I guess I should find mine before I think about helping others.  It's probably under the bed or something...I'm always losing things under there ;)

Here's my venting session;

I feel like in the short two weeks I've been here I am already gaining more distance between me and the people I love.  And I feel like I have no one to talk to! It's weird when you go from having a lot Friends to spend time with, to having no friends at all.  It's hard not to have a lot of people to talk to. even more so when you're going through so much change! 

I'm also stressed I won't find a job.  I'm stressed I'm going to fail out of college.  I'm stressed that I won't get into the Imagine dragons concert. haha I'm stressed that I am being the depressed person I hate. 

I JUST WANT TO SMILE!!!! And it's easy to post quotes about being happy. It's easy to listen to happy music as you walk around happy places.  But when you get home, and you're sitting on you're bed watching the hundredth episode of 'How I Met Your Mother', at one point you have to turn it off.

.

Then you lay there in the dark, forced to face your thoughts. 

It's then when I truly understand how I feel.  And for the most part, I feel happy.  I feel excited, blessed, loved, safe, and full of potential. I am following my dreams.  I'm doing everything to fulfill  my full potential right? Wrong.  Because you can work hard at anything, but without confidence in yourself or the light of Christ you won't go far.  I can sit here and complain about being lonely and down, but it won't solve anything.

I want to look up. I want to strive to be my best. I want forgive and forget. I want to soar.

It's like when I'm up on campus, and I'm looking down at Salt Lake City.  The towering buildings and the busy,never ending roads, always make my heart pound with excitement.  For some reason the "big city" and the unfamiliar gives me such a passion for life.  I think that's why I love going to new places.  Because it reminds me how I want to feel all the time.

I don't need to be looking at the Eiffel tower to feel a passion for my life.  I want to be laying in my bed looking forward to the next day as if I were going to see the Italy or Paris or Greece. 

And someday, I'll figure out just how to do that. 

THERE IS SUNSHINE IN MY SOUL TODAY

Find out what makes you happy, and fight for it.

Never forget where you've been and where you're going. 

Keep moving forward.

Camping :)

I went camping with my Dad and step Mom this weekend!  We found this great spot right next to the river.  It was hidden but still close to the road.  We set up camp and my Dad had already caught a fish within his first few minutes of being there.  It was great because he scared JJ with the fish and she screamed sooo loud! And he just nonchalantly threw the fish back into the river as he walked away. 

He's a pretty funny guy :) 

That night it started pouring pretty hard so I went in my tent to read my book.  I just ended up eating Chips Ahoy cookies and listening to the rain.  I feel asleep pretty soon after that and woke up a couple hours later.  haha 

So we all got in one tent (dogs included) and my pops read us a "goodnight story" before I went back to my tent.  It was probably the greatest bedtime story I have ever heard. ;) I couldn't fall asleep that night so I went outside after laying in my lime green sleeping bag for a hour-ish.  The sky had cleared up and the stars/moon were sooo beautiful! :)

The next day we ate at the lodge down the road and then took the canoe out on the lake. We call it the "scanoe" :) after seeing the incoming clouds, we decided to cut our trip short and pack up to go.  It was a blast though!  My Dad did some much needed fishing and I got to see the milky way! haha It was really fun and I can't wait for many more camping trips :)